Cookie Monster

Lydia is eating cookies and she can't stop. Why do I buy cookies? I say that I am buying them for the kids or for Dave. However for some reason they don't actually ever get to eat the cookies...sometimes the cookies doesn't even survive the ride home from the store. When the cookies have the good fortune of coming home in a sealed box they don't stay sealed for too long. I always think that I am eating just one. I only intend on eating one. I only take out one. Then I close the box, sit down, and eat the lone cookie....then the second I finish the cookie I go back and open up the box and take another one close the box...and repeat...and repeat...and repeat until the box is empty and then I have to hide the box in the trash. You know so no one knows that I ate all of the cookies again and didn't share.

I have tried buying cookies that I don't like. I have bought coconut cookies, jelly filled cookies, oatmeal cookies, and even gross healthy wheat free cookies. I eat them all. Even when they taste like they were made with wood shavings and old fashioned school paste. I eat them. I have problems.

The ridiculous thing is that every time I put a box of cookies in to my cart I honestly think that they are for the family. Perhaps when I am in the cookie aisle I become hypnotized by their sweet little sugary packages? They overpower me and make me believe that this time, this box, will be different. This is the time, this is the magical box of cookies that I am going to be able to share. Yes, I am delusional or perhaps the cookies have great spiritual powers of persuasion?

My name is Lydia and I have a cookie problem...I am so ashamed

40 Days Til 40

I am turning 40 in September, September 24th to be exact. About 40 days away...okay exactly 40 days away. Yes, I am counting. 40 Days til 40.

I am so not ready to be 40. I have come to the conclusion that their is nothing that I can do about it. Well I can always complain...complain about how sick I am of seeing magazine covers claiming that 40 is the new 30. Yeah, well if you are Jennifer Anniston or Jennifer Lopez perhaps. Sadly my name is not Jennifer and I am a poor fat mess. I know I am whining here give me a break I am heading for a head on collision with the big four-0 here.


I loved my thirties. I got married, had kids, I was hot (well at times), and I was filled with hope for the future. For some reason 40 seems to old to have dreams and aspirations. For example I have been toying with the idea of going back to school...yes I have been pondering this idea since I graduated with my BA in 1992. But girl likes to have options. What about my dreams of being a New York Times best selling author? By 40 I should be way more far along...I mean shouldn't I even have at least have sent out samples to agents and publishing houses? Considering that I have wanted to be a writer since I was a child...That's kinda stupid...isn't it?

MMMMMmmmmmm perhaps I have a procrastinating problem? Great just stick it on the list along with eatting too many sweet, shopping, gossiping, and Facebook....

Anyway 40 is coming soon...I need cookies!

Family Fun!

Fear not the world is safe and I feel like crap. At this very moment I honestly feel like feeding my children to the ferocious horn worms that ate my tomato plants. My tomatoes have been murdered and my house is shambles, I tell you, Shambles! I just came in from the kitchen were just about 20 minutes ago my son refused to eat my gorgeous meal. Perfect succulent roast chicken, warm and butter slathered baked potatoes, and soft leafy kale. He refused to eat and while he was whinning and fussing Alice spilled her drink over her entire plate. During the ruckus of cleaning up the spill Dylan escaped. I followed him into the once perfectly clean play room to find a disaster zone. How do they destroy so quickly? Why don't we send them to construction sights. No need for explosives they'd demolish building in record time.

I tell him that if he is not eating dinner that he is cleaning. He refuses. I fight with him and some how end up screaming loud enough to scare the neighbor....again. Then I get so mad I storm out of the room and go to the living room where Alice has dumped my clean folded laundry onto the floor and tossed the basket across the room.

I screamed again. Did you hear me? Sorry about that. I also shattered the good crystal and half of the front house windows....no not really, but I scared the dog right out of the room. I just folded my laundry again and sat down here while the anger and disillusionment were still fresh.

Now I hear Dave in the playroom helping them clean...oh no..now they are fighting. Alice is screaming...There go the last few windows.....

Please send wine and chocolate! Oh and tomatoes!

It's The End

The kids and I had a great stress free day at the local pond.....no stress at all. Family fun. Alice played nicely with other children. Dylan listened to me and played nicely with his friends and his sister. We even had exact change for the ice cream man. Neck hair standing up. Now I have goose bumps! I am terrified. Oh my... Is the end of the world happening? Have I some how tripped some cosmic mouse trap? Have I started the countdown to the great Apocalypse? What are the other 6signs?

1. False Profits-The Madoff scandal! CHECK

2. Wars and rumour of wars-Well Duh! CHECK

3. Famines-I have been dieting this week! CHECK

4. Quakes-I eat a few bags of Quaker Cheddar Cheese Quakes every week. CHECK

5. Pestilence- Like Facebook, Twitter, Starbucks, Paris Hilton! CHECK

6. Lawlessness-In my house? Daily. CHECK

7. Paradise....Perfect happy kids and a stress free life (well until the world explodes). CHECK!

Well that's it folks.

This makes it official this is the end of the world as I know it and oddly REM was right....I do feel fine!

An Apointment With Disaster

My ears were still plugged up this morning so I went to see my doctor. I brought my darlings with me because

Dave was busy and this was a short trip they would behave right?

We got to the doctor on time and the kids were excellent in the waiting room. My children are such good kids. I am so lucky. Then we were brought into the room and the nurse sat me up on the table and the kids were awesome. Dylan actually handed Alice a book and she thanked him.

Oh I was beaming like a lighthouse. The pride pouring out of every orifice, we'll except my ears they were still clogged.

The nurse left the room and my kids start getting antsy. Little legs and arms start wiggling. Dylan wants the book back and Alice won't let him see it. I see Alice's little innocent eyes start brimming with mischief as she grips the book to her chest. She is glaring at Dylan. In return he starts squinting and sticking out his tongue at her. She hits him and it's on! They started fighting over the book. He rips it from her hands she starts screaming. Her voice echoing off the four little walls. My lighthouse is snuffed out as shame crashes over me like a tsunami. How can my best mothering efforts fail so badly. I should have stuck to dogs. They continue to fight, they fight over the book, the magazines, me, and even sterile instruments that the nurse left on the counter.

During the melee the doctor comes in and the kids quiet down to swapping dirty looks again. The doctor looks at my ears and the kids start bickering again. They are both fighting over the stool on wheels, you know the one the doctor usually sits on? Well my kids are fighting over it to the point that I threaten to take the stool away. They start playing tug of war with it and I am still on the table so the doctor takes the stool out of the room. I give the kids the death glare, threaten their lives and hopefully scare them silent. At least for the next 5 minutes. Is that too much to ask?

Yes! Because when the doctor had me lie back so he could flush my ears the kids explode into a full fledged melee. I here screaming and things being knocked over. The doctor starts making nervous jokes. I wanted to ask if he could flush my brain so that I could forget that this was my life.

Here is our score thus far. Ears still clogged. Kids still crazy.

Pool Daze

Ah vacation a time to relax and have fun with your kids at the pool. Not my kids. Not my vacation. I am standing by the side of the pool screaming at my children, my neck veins bulging, water clogging both my ears, as monstrous insects attack my exposed flesh. Where do I begin?

We first enter the pool ruining a quiet relaxing afternoon for two elderly couples chit chatting on the deep end. Upon seeing us or should I say hearing us approach their Shangrila they groan and give each other exasperated looks. Of course Dylan jumps right into the pool with a huge splash, swims over to the foursome and starts telling them about his day. For some reason both couples quickly exit the pool. I would apologize, but I am to ashamed to make eye contact.

Alice and I enter the pool and the three of us have about 30 minutes of actual family fun until another family comes in to the pool area. The family consists of a mom a daughter a little younger than Alice. For some reason Alice takes an instant dislike for the girl and starts trash talking her. My little darling paddles over to the steps in her little pink floaty ring where the little girl and her mom are entering the pool. The mom says hi to Alice. Alice ignores her, turns to the daughter and says. "Hey you. This is my floaty! Not yours! Okay!"

The mom's eyes grow to an alarming size. I instantly swim over and say. "I am so sorry." I then say to my little bully. "Alice! No. Don't say those things. This is a nice little girl. Maybe she can be your friend?" Alice looks up at my with a furrowed brow and says. "NO! I hate her!"

I pray for freak electrical Storm forcing us to immediately evacuate the pool. I wait...nothing. I smile at the horrified mom and grab Alice by the hands and float her far away as possible. The mom and little girl still looked shell shocked. Alice looks over and yells. "My floaty!" in their direction. I am so horrified and embarrassed that I can't stop my oncoming nervous giggle. Now I am laughing and I can't stop. This situation is so wrong. The mother is looking at me as if I am holding a plugged in toaster.

I compose myself and take Alice out of the pool for a time out. I sit Alice on a lounge chair. The little girl swims by and Alice all but snarls down at her. Dylan is now chatting with the mom in the shallow end. I over hear him saying. "Don't worry about my sister she has brain problems."

Can I please die right this moment? Then I feel a sharp pain in my leg. I have been shot! I am dying. Doesn't God know when I am just being dramatic. I look around for snipers then I look down and see a huge welt on my calf. Then I see a huge green fly land on my ankle. Horse flies. I swat the evil insect away with such force that I lose my balance and fall off of the end of Alice's lounge chair. I sit up on the ground and shake my head like a dog. Damn, water in both ears. I stand up shake my head again. The darn water is not budging. But, Alice is. She is up and back into the pool. Zap! Ouch the evil insects bite me on my arm. I throw my towel over my shoulders and start yelling. "Kid's we are leaving now!" Zap! "NOW! We are leaving now!" ZAP! "NOW!"

That's all I know after this a point it all went blurry. I can tell you that this all went down on Wednesday and I still have water in my ears. Some people buy a Tee-shirt. Not me. My souvenir from my week trip to Cape Cod is a double ear infection.