Thank you for all of the out pouring of love and support. Rereading my blog today I was a bit embarrassed by my drama and unfiltered self pity. I make my life sound like VC Andrews meets Charles Dickens. I know that everyone has suffered some kind of trauma. The slightest suffering and pain just always seems so much worse when it’s yours. In my case this is especially true when I don’t get a good night sleep and feel especially drained and gloomy.
Reading emails and posts from people who knew me back then made me realize that when I remember my childhood I never focus on the good times. Well not never. I remember lovely summers on Cape Cod, soul mate sister friends, and a huge loving network of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I just seem to remember the bad times. Why is that? Why don't I automatically recall the happy times? Once I am reminded, like I was yesterday by friends from back in the day, I do usually remember. I am thankful for those freinds becasue I do have few childhood memories. Perhaps I am wasting way too much brain space with all of the crap.
Now that I am a grown up I always think of myself as a cup half full kind of person. But, seriously, I'll be all happy sitting at a red light if my mind wanders too far I end up in the middle of an elementary school classroom being ridiculed or reliving my newest humiliating (foot in mouth) situation. Then the tapes start…"You're such an idiot" "Why can't you just keep your mouth shut" ...blah blah blah..Why does my brain always go back and go dark?
Why don’t I sit at red light and day dream about my beautiful wedding day; or my kids running around the beach at sunset? Why does my brain always go back to stressful times? Is that what people mean when they talk about having demons; darkness that is always hiding deep down waiting to catch you off guard?
Where do other people’s minds go when they are left to wander?
Progress-Today I mailed my biological sister’s new baby a wonderful package of fun baby stuff. Also instead of buying a card I took an hour and made one. I used gorgeous fun colored paper and totally enjoyed creating something beautiful. Making things makes me happy. I also didn’t worry about not having time to go grocery shopping. I’ll go tomorrow
You are such a good writer.... I wish I had a gift with words like you do! I am the same way and hate that I only remember the bad things people say about me or how I should have done such and such, but didn't. So funny, because I'm a cheerleader for anyone else. Whenever I get a compliment, I should just say "thank you" instead of making a joke and pointing out my flaws. (Is this a girl thing?? Are we taught to not draw attention to ourselves-- that being proud is conceited??) I guess being aware of it is the first step and we need to train ourselves to be more positive. Go Lydia!
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